Good friday was hardly good.
You don't know how much it took from me to go and watch the gospel according to matthew at the film fest.
Don't know how hard it was to stay there.
But then perhaps you do. I know you do.
But it doesn't make it easier.
If only i can tell you what went on in my head.
The fact that you wanted to held my hand at times made it worse.
But that is the perpetual conflict isn't it... wanting to take comfort and yet the very act irks me at times.
Because it led to more questions, doubts about what had happened... before.

I couldn't concentrated on the film.
I can't help looking around fugitively.
Knowing very well that i have no need to.
Why should i? But why do i?
I left in a daze and hardly knew what to say or what to do.
There is really no reason.
But why do i?
What do i want from myself or you?
Sometimes i don't even know.
A beer later and you appeared.
Just on the verge of an abyss and you appeared.
Perhaps you knew how close we got to that edge.
I think you do.
Sometimes better than i. Especially when i am drunk.
Drunk on bad memories.
That i did not know i was falling.

You pulled us back once more.
Ararat.
The man without a past.
Good movies. Enjoyable movies.
Bad speculations came and went in waves,
but i held on to your hand.
Warm and dry, it held on to me.
A tentative grip but still, its there.
I can feel you losing yourself and your strength ebbing.
But i am in no position to help you.
It already took so much from me to not lose myself when i am facing you.
If only i can manage myself better, it would be easy for you too.
Crazily enough, things were slightly better then i am not facing you.
But what i wouldn't give to see you and feel like i used to again.
Without fear and burden.
Some days.
Just some days it seems possible.

Not others.
When will it all come to an end?